The Inner Working of the Camden Mind
by J Daisy
Summary: A humorous journal entry for each characters, Bridget Jones style. Rating just for safety, everything is suggested.
1. Martin

_Disclaimer…I don't own nothing._

_Author's Note…This story is totally inspired by Helen Fielding's Bridget Jones' Diary and writer _**bardvahalla**_'s "The Very Secret Journal of Dr Gregory House and Co." This story is mine, the idea is not. Oh, and the timeline may be a tad askew. That said, please review!_

**Martin**

Day 1… Annoying Reminders that My Mama is dead…8 (Nobody asked)…Annoying Reminders that my dad is in Iraq-Next-To-Iran…14 (Everybody wanted to know when I was going home…had to guilt them into letting me steal their food) Walked into v. large house today. Just walked around. Didn't knock. Didn't say hello. V. annoying girl asked me if I was Skankmon's friend. Sure, why not?

Day 2…Annoying Reminders that My Mama is dead…5 (V. Bad)…Annoying Reminders that my dad is in Iraq-Next-To-Iran…9 (I was still hungry)…Aunt Slutty Socks announced that we are moving to a strange new town called "Buffalo" to start anew. How anew can it be? We have only been living here for two days!

Day 4…Told v. annoying girl am moving to "Buffalo." She said "noooooooooooooo! EVIL!Mary resides there! With her EVIL! hubby! And EVIL! spawn! You'll be under her influence of EVIL!" Am thinking this "Buffalo" she speaks so terribly of is better than the apparent insane asylum that is Glen Oak.

Day 7…Annoying Reminders that My Mama is dead…2 (Dismal)…Annoying Reminders that my dad is in Iraq-Next-To-Iran…6 (Meh)…Moved in with CrazyCamClan. Aunt Slutty Socks has no use for me in "Buffalo." Drat.

Day 9…Hot Pockets! These people multiply like rabbits! Lucy and her Hot!Robot!Hubby! have been procreating. I do not know how this could have possibly taken place, as Hot!Robot!Hubby! seem to be v. keen on chastity, as he mentions quite often.For Unnamed Deity, they live in frickin' treehouse next to a house that belongs to the church! Oh well. Will not ponder this. Brings up too many dirrrrrty images in brain.

ARGH! BORING! Will skip ahead some odd years to present day mad hotness.

MEISHOTMEISHOTMEISHOTMEISHOTMEISHOTMEISHOTMEISHOTMEISHOT

Day 1,866…Annoying Reminders that My Mama is dead…16 (Magnificent!) …Annoying Reminders that my dad USED to be in Iraq-Next-To-Iran…10 (Dang, I'm on a roll!)…Drat. Mr. Ed-I mean Sandy is preggers. Better stick head in sand!

Day 1,868…Nobody seems to care that I am being a menace to Sandy, Meredith, and Screwthie. Ha!

Day 1, 961…Am done with annoying reminders.

Day 1,962…I lied! Ha!

Day 1, 965…Bought special underwear from Internet. Says on buttocks: Holy Territory. Sweeeeeeet.

Day 1, 966…A lad that went by the name of Matt visited today. He says he is in medical school, but I highly doubt this. Medical school students do not have this much free time on their hands. He does however, have extremely greasy hair. Ewww. Much unlike my hair, which, like me, is perfect in every way.

Day 1,969 (69! You get it? 69! Ha!)…Another greasy-haired person came by today, but his name was Wilson. He and Reverend Eric(a) are secretly having a torrid affair. I walked in on them. And stared.

Day 1,970…Am missing special underwear! Drat!

Day 1,971…Just found out that special underwear is actually for girls. Well, they fit me just fine. Don't know what the difference between girls and boys is anyway.

Day 1,975…Had v. long and boring conversation w. Screwie. She came up to me:

"I want to date a boy your age to send a subtle message that I really want to date YOU."

"I want to date a girl your age to send a subtle message that I really want to date YOU but Mr. Ed is preggers and I'm supposed to be in denial about it anyway."

"I understand."

"I know. Many a anvil has been dropped onto my head about how observant and smart and pretty and mature and sexy (your dad told me so) and hot and brilliant and you have so many opportunities and how sassy and sultry and nice and courteous and nurturing and sweet and lovable and cute and fashionable and talented and risky and moralistic and idealistic and attractive and brilliant you are."

"And nosy. Why did you lose your virginity anyway? Without your virginity, you can't be Holier than Thou! I NEED you to be Holier than Thou!"

"DUH! A Plot Contrivance!"

"But…but it's totally out of character! We've already had November sweeps and we _still _don't know why you lost your hidden treasure!"

"Out of character? Sweeps?"

"Oh, um, nothing. Never mind. I'm just going to go out with a boy who's supposedly your age even though he looks like he's at least 25 and I'll keep our fans pacified for a while, mmkay?"

"DEAL!"

Fans? Well, it is no surprised to me that I have fans, but Screwie? Ew.

Day 1, 979…Spotted Annie and Lucy-Goosey eating chocolate cake today. The Twins-That-Share-One-Mind told me that this was a celebration for getting laid. How do they know this? And why was I not laid?

Day 1, 982…Spotted Screwie eating chocolate cake. OH NO! If she's not a virgin, what will she give her husband on her wedding night? What else does a woman have to offer besides her virginity? Teen sex! Virginity! Teen sex! Virginity! Teen sex! Virginity! Teen sex! Virginity! We just don't talk about it enough!

Day 1, 985…Asked Screwie if she still had flower. She said yes. Hot!Robot!Hubby! came in and started to talk to Screwie about sex AGAIN. He needs a life and to stay out of his sister-in-law's flower power. Screwie didn't seem to mind though. Ew. Why am I ATTRACTED (did you hear me? I'm ATTRACTED to her!) to her anyway? Is it her soulless eyes? Her empty heart? Hmmm. Something to ponder.

Day 1,986…Why, look who came today! It's my former best friend/lover, Mac! I was very excited to see him. We hung out in the treehouse doing stuff. I miss Mac.

Day 1,987…Mac left. He hasn't even called me. Need heaping mounds of chocolate.

Day 1, 990…Saw Mac "escorting" Harriet (BTW, this was a v. popular name in the 40's and 50's) around the town hot spot, the Promenade. Mac is such a whore.

Day 1, 992…Called Mac sixteen times but didn't say anything. Drove by house numerous times. Left lots of flowers on doorstep.

Day 1,995…Got restraining order from Mac, another one to add to my collection. Mac: 0, Martin: 6. HA!

_Author's Note…So, that was different! I'll accept any reviews so please do! Thank you and please tell me if I should update!_


	2. Lucy

_Disclaimer…Same as Chapter 1…don't own anything. Surprise!_

_Author's Note…Thank you so much for all your reviews! Ok, the chapter order doesn't have a rhyme or a reason so by request, this chapter is Lucy. And I mean no offense to any 'shippers in this chapter, or any other chapters, in any other story._

**Lucy**

Day 8, 123…Spotted Hot!Robot!Hubby! fraternizing with other woman. I ran up to him and the evil single woman, but he talked first:

"I know it looks like we're having a conversation with each other, but actually, we're having sex. SEX! Did you hear me, I said SEX!"

Argh! Could not think of substantial retort. Back to the drawing boards…

_Later_

Got one! Will throw ice-coffee in face! Ha! Technically not retort but v. clever.

_Much later, past bedtime of 9:30_

Tried retort. Was mocked at. By Savannah.

_Much later, past Third-Saturday-Of-The-Month-Bedtime of 11:15_

Caught Hot!Robot!Hubby! looking at scandalizing pictures of women on computer! The women…in low cut tops…and "barely-there" underwear…oh, the humility! Will be unable to show face in public…ever! I did yell at him though:

"HOT!ROBOT!HUBBY! What are you doing! Are you trying to scare away our devout LuCyAnDkEvIn4EVA!1! fans?"

"But Lucifer! You're my wife and you don't let me see yours, ever! I NEED to KNOW what they look like!"

Did my mad-cool retort again. Failed miserably. Empty cup. Drat.

Day 8, 125…Moved into new house today. V. conveniently located in v. close proximity to Mommy's House. Will continue stealing her food and baby-sitting services.

Day 8, 126…Completed tunnel from Marital Bedroom of Chastity to Mommy's House. Will call it "Chastity Channel." V. awesome.

Day 8, 128…Had doctor's appointment today (Brother Greaseball is my doctor.) He suggested that it might be time to cut the umbilical cord from Mommy, seeing as Savannah's is still attached to me in such form. Slapped him. He cried.

Wimp.

Day 8,130…Made first sermon today. Was mad success. I believe that I am, in fact, Unnamed Deity. Have always suspected. Will write to Roxanne tomorrow to tell good news. But alas; have conundrum w. Roxanne. I write loads and loads of letters, three times a day (being a wife, mother, and minister, and fake-scholar, I have oodles of free time) but never get any in return. Hmmm! Have told of major crisis to everyone and their uncle. Out of devastation of my sad, sad, tale, everyone walked away and told me that they would pray to Unnamed Deity. Tried to tell them that _am_ in fact Unnamed Deity but they were in such a rush to pray, they doggone didn't hear me! Those silly parishioners!

_Later_

Daddy came over today through the Chastity Channel. Suggested that maybe speech about how women have options may have v. possibly offended some women. I don't know why! Each week, my family and I do something incredibly offensive, but nobody even bats an eye!

Day 8,133…Caught Kevin in women's underwear. Says "Holy Territory" on buttocks. Oh dear.

Day 8,136…Kevin has yet to change underwear. I have yet to tell him that I know he is wearing it.

Day 8,137…STILL HAS NOT CHANGED UNDERWEAR!

Day 8,138…The items which the underwear is meant to hold are starting to stink. Told hubby it could be due to lack of changing. He said "oh."

I've married an idiot. At the age of what was it now? 21? my mother practically shoved me down the aisle, even though I TOLD her that I was having second thoughts.

Thinking it is about time to cut that cord.

Day 8,139…Told Mommy about wanting to cut cord. Her mouth opened wide, spit, and then pretended to be a chicken. "Squawk squawk!" I "played along" because that's my favorite game. Forgot about cord idea 'till I got home. Drat.

_Later_

Hot!Robot!Hubby! has contracted a diaper rash. Said he wants me to put baby powder on it. Threw baby powder in his face. Ha!

Day 8,140…Drat. Double drat. Seems Hot!Robot!Hubby has found other means of getting diaper rash treated, i.e. Detective Michaels. Triple drat.

Day 8,142…Walked in on Detective Michaels treating Kevin's diaper rash. Sure does apply a lot of slapping. Hot!Robot!Hubby! seemed to enjoy it quite a bit. Am considering employing method for Savannah.

_Later_

Tried tushey-slapping technique on Savannah. Did not like it as much as Hot!Robot!Hubby!. Hmmm. V. peculiar.

Day 8,145…Crashed Hot!Robot!Hubby!'s Mommy and Me meeting. He left in a huff. Think it's that time of the month again. Told group-leader about hiney-hittin' diaper-rash treatment. Got funny look in her eye then left to make a phone call. I wonder to who? Or is it whom? Hmmm.

_Later_

Greta, Oh Sassy Social Worker came to house today to take Savannah away to "special place." Was wondering why there were no play-group meetings as of late…

_Much later…_

Savannah still not back from play-group. Must be having v. good time.

_Late at night_

Hot!Robot!Hubby! came home and asked where Savannah was. Told him all about Greta and play-group. He started to cry. Hmmm. Must be from the diaper-rash.

_V. Late at night_

Have figured it out! Greta, Oh Sassy Social Worker took Savannah away to Social Services! I should be a detective! Woot woot!

Day 8, 146…Where is Savannah on this lovely morning? Could not find her anywhere. Hmmm.

_Later_

Drat. All coming back to me. No more Savannah. On bright side, do not have to share Mommy and her fun chicken games w. her anymore. Ugh. Savannah was such a chicken-hogger. Always wanted attention. Am quite glad to be rid of little bugger, actually.

Day 8,148…Hot!Robot!Hubby! and I have decided that as Savannah is gone, it's time to get a procreating again! Rabbit time!

Day 8,149…Have found out from Brother Greaseball that bun is officially in oven. He did a very thorough examination. He'll be such a good doctor…just as soon as he moves his private practice out of Mommy and Daddy's basement, I'm sure he'll do fine!

Day 9,001…Brother Greaseball said that bun will be a she. Hot!Robot!Hubby! and have composed a list of names. So far we have…

_Bambi_

_Crystal_

_Ecstasy _

_Ice_

_Topaz_

_Stardust_

Am v. excited! Baby Blank will be v. popular, am sure.

Day 9,002…Drat. Have found that Hot!Robot!Hubby! has STILL not changed underwear. Oh well. Let go and let Unnamed Deity.

_Author's Note…This is a fun story to write! BTW…did you guys understand the reference I was making with Savannah and the list of names? If not, say so in the reviews (please please please please please) and I will explain in the next chapter's A/N. Ok, please review! Thanks!_


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